I am so mad today, I can't stand it.

I'm angry at my brother. I'm angry at him for leaving too soon. I'm angry at him for not having his affairs in order and leaving a mess for my parents to clean up to ensure his kiddos get their benefits from his retirement. I'm angry at him for not letting me in his life when he was around so now I would never have that sense of peace or closure.

Aaaannnd, I'm angry at him for making me angry when I "should" just be feeling sadness. (guilt, guilt, guilt) I'm angry at me because I had to have my body get all uncomfortable (stomach) before I realized it - I thought I was making all this great emotional progress?? Noooo, it takes my body being wigged out before I pick up the emotional cues.

Dammit. I'm mad at you, brother, and then I feel guilty for it and it's messing me up.